TG Says:

That it is ok sometimes to be contemplative. Introspective. Constructively critical of oneself. Yesterday I wrote a very honest post about not loving the body my soul inhabits. Most comments were encouraging, a few suggested I should stop feeling sorry for myself and some accused me of being attention seeking. So I deleted it. I process events and emotions through words and hope that sometimes what I share may make someone feel a little less alone. So I wasn't trying to fish for compliments or wallow in self-pity, I was trying to turn the frustration and sadness I felt into something I could express and thus let go. And by deleting my words I aborted the healing process, minimized the shame I am feeling. So here I am again...

I talked about struggles I have: to stand for more than 5 minutes, to finish a grocery shopping trip, to do my laundry because the machines are on the lower level. I shared something by which I am mortified. A young boy, about 3, recently announced to me in a mall full of people "WOW! You are huger than fat!" His parents were good parents, they were embarrassed and apologized, made him apologize. I tried to empathize: "It is confusing, isn't it? People tell you all the time to be honest but then sometimes being honest gets you in trouble. Sometimes even when something is true, it can hurt feelings." I think he took something positive away from my words, his parents were graciously relieved I hadn't been mean, but all I could think was that I am SO glad my son didn't have to witness that.

Because even more than the physical pain I feel much of the time, even more than the humiliation of having to
ask for special chairs and being dropped near the door and declining things I know I would really love to do but can't, even more than being asked by strangers how come I not worried about my health or why don't I just park at the end of the lot and walk a little more.... even more than all that, I hate that I embarrass people who love me. My sweet 16 year old son asks for tables (booths can be very, very bad for we corpulent folk!) as soon as we walk into a restaurant. He makes sure I have the cart to lean on while we shop and runs to get the car so I don't have to walk farther than my legs will allow. I have a dear friend who is wonderful when we are out and about or with my friends but we never socialize with his family or friends, it just too hard to explain why he bothers with a fat girl. I know I am gawked at and I overhear people when they whisper to others about me. When I recently had photos taken I was shocked at how big I really am. I got a terrible case of the giggles looking at one because it looked like someone had shrunk my head and balanced it on a pile of rocks and stones. But nope, regular sized head, just larger than life body.

I do like myself... really, I do. I am pretty darn smart and can be rather witty. I love to read and learn new things and while my body is rotund, God gifted me with fabulous hair and a pretty face. I have a sexy voice and a big heart - I am pretty good on the self esteem barometer (too good?). But one time I would like to be included in something, invited to belong, despite all of me that is included.