TG and Memory Lane

I am a mother to two boys: Ben is just 21 and Max is almost 17. Ben was placed for adoption at birth; I received letters and pictures from his parents and we have sporadic contact now. My memories of time with Ben consist of my pregnancy and a few weeks, they are veiled in sadness. It is little wonder then, that I approach memory making with Max with a "joie de vivre" that is nothing if not enthusiastic.

But tonight I was given a surprise by him, a gift of a walk down memory lane courtesy of his sociology class. He really loves this class, gets excited about it and is enthusiastic and can't wait to talk about it and learn more, more, more. He really is enjoying every aspect of it and tonight was no exception. He had to interview me, ask ten questions of his choosing about our relationship. And his questions were thoughtful and made me remember the sweetest, silliest little boy. He asked me if I remembered what songs I sang to him when he was little? What kind of baby and little boy was he? How did I meet his dad? Why did I chose his name? Did I remember how I felt the moment he was born, when I first saw him? He thoughtfully wondered what advice I would give him for his own children and what I might do differently. I rambled my answers, the movie playing in my head was so fast I couldn't grab all the moments. All but one question had me talking non-stop. The ninth questions he asked me was: "Are you proud of me?" My answer was quick and firm "Absolutely." I offered to elaborate on his wisdom and sense of empathy, his work ethic and easy-going attitude. But he said no, absolutely was just perfect.

I struggle with the disparities between my boys. Boys I love equally, for whom I want joy and success. But boys I have such different relationships with, one I know and one I fear I will never know. Tonight was Max's night. A night to reflect on his sweet toddler self, a night he allowed me to share some of my hopes for his future with him. The walk we took together was a great one: even he agreed via text!