Shattered

Shattered

Smashed

Slivers and shards

All the pieces of my heart

You back away from the ruins

Hammer hanging limply at your side

I can’t tell if you are shocked

Or merely exhausted by the effort

 

My soul is whole

It begins to glow

Shine

Light a new path

And the broken pieces

Join

And heal

What you left as a disaster

Is now a mosaic

Lit from within

Not perfect

But

Beautiful

And strong

That Girl on telling it like it is

In the past couple of weeks it has been remarked to me that I am "forthcoming," "no holds barred," and since I share so much on my blog it is ok to speak to me directly about things, isn't it? Yes, it is. And I am forthcoming and do hold little back. If I were tempted to share something that implicated or hurt someone else I would think twice (or thrice) but my own story is an open book.

It isn't that I lack humility or am attention seeking or am proud of my mistakes and missteps, quite the opposite actually. But my path would have been so much easier had I not felt I was walking it alone. The depression that practically sunk me as a teen wouldn't have been quite as awful if the primary thought surrounding it was that it was "private" and that it shouldn't be shared. Placing a child for adoption would have ached less if it, too, wasn't an embarrassment to so many around me. Hiding under my desk at work, not wanting to actively cause my death but just hoping I wouldn't wake up in the morning, hating my body and my fragile heart - all that would have been so much easier if it hadn't made me feel like a freak.

So I am candid and blunt, even. I share as much as I can, as often as I can, because it may help someone. I co-created an adoption support group that is for ALLmembers of the adoption triad. There are over 250 people now involved and we communicate feelings about our stories. And that creates communication and understanding which is fabulous even if it comes from a painful place.

So I certainly hope I am not offending anyone but I do know that what I share has made a difference. It has made a difference to my close friends and to strangers who are now friends. I respect that not everyone is comfortable with the openness I try to put forth. And that is ok - no one should wave the mental health banner or adoption banner or felonious banner who isn't comfortable doing so. We each have a path and story and should share it as we see fit. I will continue waving my banners and will continue sharing. The path on which I am walking is a much easier, brighter and sillier one than ever before.

TG is ready for 2015!

2014:

My favorite experience was our spring break trip in April. Even though it didn't carry into the rest of the year, the fun we had and silliness and love experienced made it just about perfect!

My biggest accomplishment was at work I think. I really got more and more comfortable with my job and coworkers and tried many new things. It was a great year professionally!

My favorite place to visit is still the beach. I find the waves, the salt air, the sunshine, the whole experience rejuvenating, I will always choose the beach!

The best meal is a simple one. Margherita pizza, cheeseburgers, something delicious but not complicated.

A free day almost always involves sleeping in, reading books, and enjoying time with family/friends.

My favorite book? NO WAY! I have too many books I love and I read voraciously.

My favorite movie is kind of up in the air, too. Not because I love so many but because I prefer books or live people.

One way I'd like to grow in 2015 is to travel, I'd like to experience different places and spaces.

2015:

I want to continue focusing on my health. I have been committed this year to making small changes that will help me lose weight as well as be healthier. I plan to carry that momentum into 2015.

I want to try flying. It has been years since I flew because I am so concerned about my weight and being accepted on a plane. I'd like to be brave and bite the bullet.

I want to stop being so messy. I would like to maintain a certain level of tidiness and not feel like a big clean-up is necessary every couple of weeks.

I'd like to visit Paris, Puerto Rico, Houston, and Las Vegas.

My goals for this year are to continue to improve emotionally, physically and professionally. I am excited for all that 2015 will bring!

TG Changes her view, not her look

Many years ago I came across a picture of a chubby belly with hands shaped in a heart over the bellybutton. The caption said "Change your view, not your look." I loved that idea, it took the onus off me and everyone else who felt like they had to change something about their appearance to fit society's idea of beautiful.

But the idea is broader than skinny and fat, tall or short, and fashion statements. It also applies to how I see the world, how I can change my view on things. Once I embraced that idea so many things became easier, clearer, less painful. Songs that reminded me of old loves began to sound hopeful and promising. Books that contained loss weren't about the loss but about how the hero or heroine overcame. Holidays and seasonal changes no longer are melancholy but exciting as new traditions and memories are made.

The benefits of changing my view? There are hundreds! I am able to be grateful and happy and thankful. I can focus on the many blessings I have rather than ruminate on the losses and things that didn't work as I had wished. And there is a lot less guilt - I don't feel responsible for nearly as much sadness and hurt as I once did, I am able to be authentically optimistic and that feels really good.

There are drawbacks, too... my teenager recently told me that optimism was fine but wouldn't I be better off being a realist? And there are disappointments, certainly. Things I thought and hoped would work one way, didn't.  But all in all, changing my view has been wonderful for me... I feel so much more peaceful than I thought I could. And that is an amazing gift!

That Girl and the doldrums

I am usually a pretty cheerful sort, a glass half-full kinda girl. But I am in a bit of a funk. For the last two months or so I just feel "blah" and am having a hard time shaking it. And I think one of the reasons is that there is no real reason why. There have been lots of bumps in the road, many things that have challenged my patience and empathy and bank account but nothing really BAD has happened.

I finally realized that this wasn't just going to go away, I needed to be a little bit proactive in solving the problem. I wrote to my therapist and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I am exploring things from a different perspective and that is helping. Tweaks in my medication will hopefully help, too, but it takes longer to see those results.

While I am safe, going to work, doing the laundry and errands that often fall by the wayside when depression gets the best of me, I am not very happy. I am actually very NOT happy. Life seems grayer, lonelier, and far more irritating that it should. It is often said that anger turned inward becomes depression and whoo-boy do I do angry well these days. I don't want to be bothered with much of anything and just about everyone gets on my nerves. None of which helps the utter emptiness that I can't seem to fill.

I miss being half of a partnership. I would really, really like someone who actually cares about the answer ask me how my day was. I would like to be understood on some level without offering lengthy explanations or justifying my response. And even more so, I would like to ask someone about their day and actually care about the response. Have someone whose company trumps whatever is on Netflix and Pinterest that night.

I know this too shall pass. I know the steps to take to regain some of the happiness I am missing. I won't feel this way forever. But I wish the decorations were better while I am here - it is a very taupe and gray world!

TG relates to "Soon Enough"