Celebrate?

I feel like it is important to note this date, to recognize the last six months. But they have been the most painful and difficult of my life and there is nothing to celebrate, no achievement to mark. I have dreaded this day as much as I dread the tenth of every month. Not that it is the worst day, that honor is given to the fourth. You didn't die then but that is the day you left. The last I held your hand, kissed you, heard you call me "Chi." It was the last day you could hear me tell you how much I love you. So, really, with all that sadness at every turn, why is today remarkable?

Even if today isn't much different than most, I am different than I was six months ago. Your death, the loss of someone so vital and paramount, has altered me. Many of the things I swore I could not do I see myself managing (not always well!). Much of what I found irksome or frustrating no longer crosses my radar, it all seems so insignificant compared to the loss of you. Memories are becoming worn, like a toddler's beloved blanket that is snuggled and rubbed for the comfort it provides. I no longer worry if I am repeating myself, I want everyone to hear again and again about how brilliant and witty you were. About your romantic streak that no one would guess but was the stuff of fairy tales. I want them to know how tender you were with our kitties and how happy you were when the first strawberry appeared in our window garden. The sweet you, like a little boy, when you woke up and the excited you when you learned something new and couldn't wait to tell me. I want to tell everyone how perfectly I fit under your arm and how your strong, capable hands became so gentle when easing a hurt or wiping my tears. I want them to know the depth and breadth of your love for and pride in your family. I want them to know everything about you so that you are forever remembered and honored, long after my soul and yours are loving one another in the next life.

So while six months without you is nothing to celebrate, you my sweet, dear, beloved man, are. Antonio your love gave meaning to my life. Your love uplifted, celebrated, soothed, and comforted me. Even when things were hard and we were not our best, you chose me each and every day. And in choosing me you changed my life for the better. Your love healed and gave hope, was unconditional and uncomplicated, and you my sweet man are someone I will cherish and celebrate every day. My soul cannot wait to be with yours again.

#avsii #faad #foreveryourchi

Photo April, 2016, our first restaurant date