Another Week of Missing You

Three weeks this evening. It has only been three weeks since you slipped away. Tomorrow evening will be four weeks since you went to the hospital. But four weeks ago tomorrow morning, you answered me when I said "Good morning, love." Four weeks ago tomorrow morning, I cut watermelon for you while you  savored a white nectarine. Four weeks ago tomorrow morning I could touch you and hear you and see you, four weeks ago tomorrow morning, you were here with me.

I heard your voice this morning, a recording you had made. In one of the videos, I could see your hand, holding a strawberry. My response was visceral, the hole you left inside me when you died echoing with your absence. Every time I wake there is that moment before reality hits. It isn't even a second, just a moment, before I remember you are gone. 

I love you, Antonio. I am not sure how to navigate this "new normal" without you. I am trying to make you proud: to "dig deep" when I want to give up (especially on the stairs!), to treat others with generosity and compassion, to remain curious and continue learning new things. But it is hard, baby, so very hard. I miss the way you could tell if I needed quiet, gentle encouragement or a kick in the pants. I miss starting my day laughing at the silly dances you did to be sure my day started with a smile. I can't drive the routes you drove, I can't eat food you liked, and don't get me started on music - if the song doesn't make me cry, it reminds me of a wonderful memory you made with me. I am confounded by the fact that you are simultaneously both every where and no where. 

I look for you all day. When Schrodie starts racing, running, and chattering in the middle of the night, I ask her to tell you I love you. When a feather was in my path this morning I smiled at heaven and thanked you for sending it to me so I knew you were close. The bits of magic I encounter here and there I attribute to you, too. You took such sweet care of me in life, I know you must be watching and protecting me. How lucky I am to have loved and been loved by you, you were a gift that I will cherish until I see you again. #FAAD you are #myheart and #mylove #avsii