Some helpful hints

I was going to wax philosophical in today's post and had written two-thirds of what I wanted to share but then I got frustrated. And irritated. And I lost a little patience. So I decided I would interject some levity into the day. Share some joviality in the hopes that it will make others laugh and, perhaps, provide a little insight into the female mind for all those guys out there that we tend to confuse and overwhelm.

These are true stories, some happened to me, some to my girl friends. I am sure they will sound familiar to you ladies and, hopefully, no man will recognize himself. I'd like to apologize ahead of time to anyone who does but, really, it is better to know now and not repeat the mistake. So here are some very small things that would make an "eh" date so very much better:

• Bathrobes are not appropriate attire for a first date. Especially if the only thing you have on under the robe is calamine lotion. I repeat NOT APPROPRIATE.
• Similarly disconcerting is removal of your teeth. Don't mention your dentures if you wear them. No matter how much chemistry there might be, taking out your teeth will dampen it. Well, will flood it.
• Keep any fetishes under your belt until a rapport is developed. Having a first kiss followed by a request for bestiality is more than a red flag. It is a whole flag corp of scarlet and crimson flags including horns and whistles.
• It is probably best not to list your famous "relatives" too early on in a relationship. Let us be comfortable with who you are and the people we see you with before spilling that you are Patti LaBelle's godson.
• Perhaps excuse yourself to the bathroom if you want to jot down our birthday or favorite flower. Note taking in excess is not a comforting quality, it is perhaps a little scary. And if you do do this, there is little chance of a second date.
• Do not serve reheated fast food. At home. Do not serve fast food at all unless you are going through a drive through after a movie. And even that is iffy. 

I am sure that men have as many if not more stories of crazy women from whom they couldn't wait to escape. Women who literally caused their skin to crawl of blood to run cold. I'd love to hear from you. And ladies - please feel free to share more of your stories - my bad mood has dissipated and I can't stop giggling!