Happy Anniversary

I am a romantic. Not just at heart, I am a romantic all the time, in every way in each of my toes, both eyes, and my brain. As P!nk said "I just love love." You may think that would lead to misunderstandings and disappointments and you would be absolutely correct. Until it didn't, until every romantic notion I had was elaborated upon and embellished until I was the most spoiled and doted upon heroine Harlequin ever saw. Antonio loved me. He loved me completely, protectively, endlessly, patiently, unabashedly, proudly, sweetly, and totally. There are few things in life that are certain, that I was loved and adored is one. 

Today is our anniversary. He told me the year we met that his birthday had been so awful that he decided to join Match.com so he would have someone to celebrate with next year. I saw his profile shortly after he posted it and messaged him the same evening, it took him almost 24 hours to respond. Given that we only exchanged a couple of messages on the 8th, I didn't think that it warranted "anniversary" status. His argument was either it didn't work and we wouldn't remember or that we knew right away that it was love at first type. As I would come to learn, I didn't always understand his methodology but he was almost always right.

Before we met in person, Antonio read my blog. Not just a few pieces, but every single entry. He researched the things I mentioned in them and thoughtfully talked about his ideas and responses to what I wrote. When he cooked for me, he always made my food and plate first because he liked spice and I didn't.  Most meals he prepared for me had hearts in them, whether he cut the salad veggies into heart shapes or the rice was in the shape of a heart, he never missed a chance to tell me he loved me. When I was struggling, he knew by the tone of my voice or look on my face what I most needed, he could read me so well. He knew when to be encouraging and firm and when the only thing that would do was for him to hold me. If I said "I love you" 3000 times in one day, he said it 3001. If I was angry, frustrated, or confused and was impatient or grumpy, he took it in stride and talked me through whatever was causing me distress. He celebrated every single win I had, from awards at work to that last .2 pounds that I needed to lose to reach my current goal. When I was sick, he'd be right there holding my hand, wiping my face, cleaning me up. When my wisdom teeth were pulled, he dripped water in my mouth and gently put Carmex on my mouth so my lips didn't crack. His love made me beautiful. He would sometimes hold my face in his hands and ask me just to look at him, just let him look at how beautiful I was. 

Happy heavenly anniversary, baby. Thank you for ensuring there was as much love in six years as there is for most people in sixty. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being my biggest fan. Thank you for keeping me organized and together. Thank you for making sure each day had smiles and laughter, especially the hardest of them. Thank you for the gift of your rare and precious love. I cannot wait to celebrate us again when we are together. FAAD you are my heart and my love and I am honored to be forever your Chi. 

Celebrate?

I feel like it is important to note this date, to recognize the last six months. But they have been the most painful and difficult of my life and there is nothing to celebrate, no achievement to mark. I have dreaded this day as much as I dread the tenth of every month. Not that it is the worst day, that honor is given to the fourth. You didn't die then but that is the day you left. The last I held your hand, kissed you, heard you call me "Chi." It was the last day you could hear me tell you how much I love you. So, really, with all that sadness at every turn, why is today remarkable?

Even if today isn't much different than most, I am different than I was six months ago. Your death, the loss of someone so vital and paramount, has altered me. Many of the things I swore I could not do I see myself managing (not always well!). Much of what I found irksome or frustrating no longer crosses my radar, it all seems so insignificant compared to the loss of you. Memories are becoming worn, like a toddler's beloved blanket that is snuggled and rubbed for the comfort it provides. I no longer worry if I am repeating myself, I want everyone to hear again and again about how brilliant and witty you were. About your romantic streak that no one would guess but was the stuff of fairy tales. I want them to know how tender you were with our kitties and how happy you were when the first strawberry appeared in our window garden. The sweet you, like a little boy, when you woke up and the excited you when you learned something new and couldn't wait to tell me. I want to tell everyone how perfectly I fit under your arm and how your strong, capable hands became so gentle when easing a hurt or wiping my tears. I want them to know the depth and breadth of your love for and pride in your family. I want them to know everything about you so that you are forever remembered and honored, long after my soul and yours are loving one another in the next life.

So while six months without you is nothing to celebrate, you my sweet, dear, beloved man, are. Antonio your love gave meaning to my life. Your love uplifted, celebrated, soothed, and comforted me. Even when things were hard and we were not our best, you chose me each and every day. And in choosing me you changed my life for the better. Your love healed and gave hope, was unconditional and uncomplicated, and you my sweet man are someone I will cherish and celebrate every day. My soul cannot wait to be with yours again.

#avsii #faad #foreveryourchi

Photo April, 2016, our first restaurant date