Ouch!

If asked, I would tell you that I have grown a lot in the last five years. That I have become more accountable, more confident, HAPPIER! I am most certainly a work in progress but have come a long way. Crying under my desk? Not on your life! Crying AT my desk? Only if I have been laughing a lot. Hiding in my closet? Nope. But there are some mistakes I am evidently destined to repeat until the lesson is learned... but I thought it had been?

Can progress only be measured by an absolute? Or do we allow ourselves the opportunity to re-examine and re-process events? Is anticipation of a different outcome a sign of maturation? Maybe there are no answers. Or maybe these questions are merely an excuse not to call myself a dumbass who did it again.

I want to argue that baby steps are still steps. And that each experience does build character and provide answers that we previously did not have. I want to soothe my hurt feelings by making note of all that is actually, really, I can prove that this is different, different.

But if I sit with how I feel, if I acknowledge my actions that were the catalyst for all this introspection, I have to take responsibility. I am in charge and I allowed my ego to get bruised.  And I walked in with eyes wide open (even if I was ignoring the little voice in my ear). And, in some ways, this is different because I can see that there is still room for growth. And accept that, maybe, I am not all the way there yet. Which gives me hope that one day, I will be.