Last night I was playing around on my phone, waiting for someone, and Google Play suggested I look at applications my friends enjoy. Alrighty then, I am game for, well, games - educate me Google! Except that the first recommendations were for dating sites that the man with whom I have been in love for many years rated 4 stars and 5 stars respectively. I tried to minimize the sucker punched feeling by rationalizing these ratings were given in December of 2012 and January of 2013 but quickly realized we were more "on" than "off" then. For his birthday that December I gave him a ring and explained that even when things weren't so good we were like the ring, we went in a circle and the good stuff was as bright as the diamonds that sparkled on the front of the ring.
What frustrates me most about this is that there is no way to have this conversation. I will be accused of making assumptions, making a mountain out of a mole hill, making us more important than we actually are. There is no way to eradicate the sickening feeling that I am not, was not, and won't ever be "enough" for this man. And right now it feels like there is no way to leave him behind. No way to forget his slow smile or beautiful hands or channel the breathtaking, all encompassing love I have for him into a healthy distance.
Maybe we aren't supposed to forget our true loves? Maybe you can't have both: a true, deep, mad love that is also fulfilling and healthy? Or maybe you have to earn that love. Or, most likely, I have no idea. What I do know is that the feeling of missing this man isn't as horrible as the feeling of knowing I am not who he wants. And I know I hope this time I can be as brave as he has tried to teach me to be so that I can just be, just me - happily!
Beautifully sad, sweet
ReplyDeleteMaybe bravery isn't all or nothing... maybe we can come into it in bursts here and there?
ReplyDeleteCourage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quit voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”, Mary Anne Radmacher
ReplyDeleteYou have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give. Eleanore Roosevelt.
I can go on and on about courage but it took courage to share this with friends and strangers. It also will take that courage to move on without this man. I know from knowing you…it is not an easy task for you but that’s what courage is all about. When things are not easy and you are afraid, time for courage. You are good people and you deserve someone that loves you without conditions and honestly. When you decide that you are worthy of that great love for Kate, you will let go and you will remember him and thank the universe for having that experience with him, treasuring what was good about it and the COURAGE to move on! Unclench your hands and open your hands so you can receive what the universe is waiting for you to accept! The universe is waiting for you Kate and what your good and loving heart deserves!
Thank you... I am listening to you and am learning, I promise... and my hands are opening. <3
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