TG eats some humble pie

That title is much more polite than what I wanted to use but I am not sure it is as accurate. What I wanted to say was "TG learns just how bad her sh!t stinks!" And it was not a pleasant lesson to have to learn.

I have talked about the efforts I made in therapy the last few years and the work that DBT therapy was. And hopefully I conveyed how worth the effort and work it was. I changed from a simpering, whiny mess who embraced the role of victim into someone who is able to participate and learn, someone who not just appreciates life but loves it. While I wouldn't have said I have grandiose notions of myself, I was rather confident. Perhaps even cocky. 

I wrote last week about the Peer Certification class I had taken and what I hoped to learn from it. I was excited about it... I feel like I have something to give back and this was an amazing opportunity to do so. I was learning new things and had made a real step towards achieving my goals.  I was all set to complete the second week of training today but then I received a call from the coordinator. 

While I did well on our test and seemed to grasp the concepts, I was a risk they were not prepared to take. They did not feel I could respectfully and safely model recovery behavior. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. To say I felt hurt and embarrassed - no, humiliated! - came no where close to explaining my reaction. 

I cried, I talked to my mom, I withdrew a little bit so I could process this news. I let my boss know I would be at work on Monday despite all her efforts to encourage and support me. I admitted to Leon that I thought of him while hearing this news and tried to take his constructive criticism graciously... it was about listening though so I am not sure I heard it all ;)

I don't mean to sound as if I feel sorry for myself or am putting myself down. Quite the contrary actually. I am working on being mindful of the lesson so that it is truly a lesson. Learning to navigate our way along a winding and sometimes hidden path is a very necessary skill; without it we may move but only along the same trail.