Things TG has learned recently

In no particular order, these are the things that I have learned in the last week (or so):

• I want to lose enough weight so I can fly - there is so much of the world I want to see
• I find history more and more interesting, especially when I can pick the time and place about which to read
• Gala apples are some of the very best, crisp and juicy and just the right mix of sweet tart
• The sharper the cheddar, the more I like it
• Gala apples and extra sharp cheddar together is becoming one of my favorite things to eat
• The bathroom stall on the right is more narrow than the one on the left
• The letter "I" is my least favorite vowel in Words With Friends, it should be worth AT LEAST 10 points!
• Flowers delivered, especially to work, are ALWAYS a treat
• Flowers in my hair is almost as fun

• While I can drink and even like Diet Coke and Crystal Lite, I do not like sugar free creamer at all
• Insecurities about yourself are best not shared too openly - fake confidence can morph into real confidence
• I really need bifocals
• Vacation planning is not very fun
• Expensive perfume is worth the cost
• Not everyone expresses friendliness and care the same way but it is just as genuine
• Being prepared and organized really does make things easier
• Just because you ignore what you know doesn't mean it has changed
• I judge some things too harshly
• And others not nearly harshly enough
• I am happy

Nothing earth shattering here, many of you are probably saying "Well, yeah!" Feel free to enlighten me on other things about which I am being obtuse. And thank you for reading!

TG eats some humble pie

That title is much more polite than what I wanted to use but I am not sure it is as accurate. What I wanted to say was "TG learns just how bad her sh!t stinks!" And it was not a pleasant lesson to have to learn.

I have talked about the efforts I made in therapy the last few years and the work that DBT therapy was. And hopefully I conveyed how worth the effort and work it was. I changed from a simpering, whiny mess who embraced the role of victim into someone who is able to participate and learn, someone who not just appreciates life but loves it. While I wouldn't have said I have grandiose notions of myself, I was rather confident. Perhaps even cocky. 

I wrote last week about the Peer Certification class I had taken and what I hoped to learn from it. I was excited about it... I feel like I have something to give back and this was an amazing opportunity to do so. I was learning new things and had made a real step towards achieving my goals.  I was all set to complete the second week of training today but then I received a call from the coordinator. 

While I did well on our test and seemed to grasp the concepts, I was a risk they were not prepared to take. They did not feel I could respectfully and safely model recovery behavior. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. To say I felt hurt and embarrassed - no, humiliated! - came no where close to explaining my reaction. 

I cried, I talked to my mom, I withdrew a little bit so I could process this news. I let my boss know I would be at work on Monday despite all her efforts to encourage and support me. I admitted to Leon that I thought of him while hearing this news and tried to take his constructive criticism graciously... it was about listening though so I am not sure I heard it all ;)

I don't mean to sound as if I feel sorry for myself or am putting myself down. Quite the contrary actually. I am working on being mindful of the lesson so that it is truly a lesson. Learning to navigate our way along a winding and sometimes hidden path is a very necessary skill; without it we may move but only along the same trail.

TG Comes Out of Hibernation

I cannot believe it has been a month since I have written a post! I promised Sarah B. I would post over a week ago and yet... I didn't! I promised myself I would post every Tuesday and Friday and yet... I haven't. I have 1001 things to share, most of which I think are interesting, which hopefully means at least 25 will actually BE interesting.

I spent the last week in a training session for certification as a peer counselor.  Once I am certified I will be able to work with persons who have a mental health and/or addictions diagnosis and provide them with support, hope, referrals and be someone who "gets" it. I feel very strongly that the stigma that surrounds mental health needs to be shattered and that through communication and understanding we will be able to get to a point where it isn't shameful to ask for help. I hope that peer counseling will give me the tools to make a difference.

I have another 40 hours of in-class instruction next week and then an apprenticeship to complete. I haven't been a student in many years - decades! I was more nervous than I cared to admit and I think I learned most about myself and my temperament. For most of my life I thought the greatest compliment I could receive was being called nice. I didn't "do" Angry and if I accidentally offended someone or, heaven forbid, hurt their feelings it was literally a hand wringing experience for me. I spent more energy figuring out how to walk on tip-toe and apologize than I did on being happy and well.

It took three years of very intense therapy for me to learn that Angry was ok and learn how to express it. It took a huge amount of support from my coworkers and good friends to bear with me through the seemingly endless tears and timidity. And once I was on a first name basis with Angry, her cousin, Pissed Off, spent a lot of time tempting me, too. But we worked all that out, Angry and I have a very respectful relationship and Pissed Off stays (mostly) to herself.

None of which has much at all to do with my class other than reminding me that lessons learned sometimes need to be revisited. And that we each have our own winding, bumpy journey that no one can do for us. But hopefully I will be able to do them WITH someone when it is too dark to walk alone.

The story behind this picture is silly - the top hand was pretty and the hand with the ring had beautiful jewelry. Mine is on the bottom, not the prettiest or most bejeweled, but the foundation which is an honor!